i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
