The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
