i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
