I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
even my farts smell like vagina
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
