I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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