whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
