I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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