my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
