I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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