I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
