I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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