Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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