I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
