I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You ruined the universe
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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