Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
