i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
