life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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