Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
They have beer where we have blood.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
