I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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