Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
