it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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