why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
