Four minutes until I can fart!
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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