he puts the penis in happiness.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize