oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
