Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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