she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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