I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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