Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
