Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I don't deserve a penis
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
