Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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