I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Mom said you looked used
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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