how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
