I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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