Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
