So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
