I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
