I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
