apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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