I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
