pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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