i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
