Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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