AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
