Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
