I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
