Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
