I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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