Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
