watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
