I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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