Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
