I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
