pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
