I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
our cab driver is having phone sex.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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