My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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