nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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