please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
