Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
They deliver.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
