Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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