so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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